that overwhelming feeling

The last few times I've come back from holiday I've found I've suffered some kind of panic attack whilst away. When I was in Malta last year I woke up at 4am with a tight chest, hardly able to breathe a few times. When I was home - at home I am usually much calmer and more at peace with life, it wasn't until the last night I was struck with the overwhelming feeling that even when I was to go home again and regardless it will always be home to me, now that my parents have moved back it wasn't going to quite be the same again -queue tight chest. When I was in Thailand, one of my last days me and a friend decided to have a nap before going out one last time, I was struck with the overwhelming feeling of going back to problems and a job that was never going to change. The thought started when I was thinking of what an amazing holiday I had had and how to had to come back again, then the next thought was - how will I ever afford it? and then? how will I afford to go home? - not just when I want to, but when I NEED to. Home is a place that I can recharge myself from the uk when I find it gets a little too much for me and I need to remind myself of me. Then I went into a downward spiral, trying to calm myself with breathing techniques and positive thoughts. I tried to joke about it and laugh it off. 
But since I've been back I've been struck with that tight painful chest and hard breathing and I just can't seem to shake it. I'm so overwhelmed with what I need to do for my shop  all the paintings I want to do, keeping on top of my fitness, doing overtime to help pay back Thailand and also the blogs. It just became too much, something was always getting left behind, mostly this blog. I had this constant feeling I was always going to be stuck in a bad place and that I was never going to have enough time to do all the things I wanted to to get me out of it. I am so fortunate I have supportive friends like Jemma who helped me when I went a little off the rails and ranty about my problems - sometimes it helps to just get it out. 
And today? well today I started writing out lists ( I LOVE a good list) of what I can do and I suddenly thought, why shouldn't I be excited about all the things I have to do? Of course its going to be hard and of course I'm going to be exhausted trying to find more time then I have now. But I love all these extra things I do outside my job and I need to start being excited about them and not so pressured, although I do still enjoy them. So I've decided when I get this tight feeling, which I anticipate I won't loose for some time I'm going to smile and think of all the things I have to look forward to once this hard work pays off. I'm going to write 50000 lists if I have to to calm me down and I'm going to pray that by the end of the year I won't ever suffering this overwhelming feeling again.  x
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